Possibly it is because the one-year mark is approaching (November 1). At this time last year I was trying to determine when I would have to head East to spend her last days with her.
Possibly it is because we both enjoyed the Fall so much, and this is the first year I cannot share that pleasure with her.
I can't put my finger on the "why" of it, but it's taken me completely off guard.
And I don't like it.
I desperately miss the grounding and re-orienting that I gained just from hearing her voice. It reassured me, at some fundamental level, that I am still me. That sounds silly, but you know what I mean. With that source of reassurance gone, I sometimes feel like I'm adrift far, far away from home.
|Mom at 17|