Thursday, November 19, 2009

Odd shades of grief

Woke up sad and can't seem to get out of my own way this morning. I have no patience with this process. I've got stuff to do - work, home, family (not necessarily in that order).

I don't have time to sit here crying over last night's dream that my mother and I were on one of our fun trips together (we loved traveling together). I don't have time to weep over the ending of the dream, when I realized that she was going to have go home and die again. Again? Yes - in the dream I knew that I was on borrowed time with her. The added grief at the end (after our lovely trip) was that I'd been at her home with her for her "first" death, and now, because we'd been traveling, I didn't have enough vacation time to go back to her home with her again, for the event that we surely knew was coming.

I woke up sobbing and I've been sitting at my computer ever since, with a short foray to the kitchen to get the oatmeal going for breakfast. Because there is still life to be lived here.

Oh my gosh, how I hate this.

- Catherine


Christy said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry.

Nostalgic for the Pleistocene said...

Some dreams can be healing, but others can often be cruel. They are true experiences - i.e., while you're having them, they carry the full weight and force of experience, and it can hurt so much. Transitioning out of them is hard. Prayers comin'.

Susanne said...

I'm so sorry. May the Lord comfort you and bring you peace.