My fellow Americans and Canine-Americans, I'd like to extend to you my sincerest gratitude for electing me to the office of President of the United States, and I assure you that no dog dish will go empty during my administration. This country is faced with a desperate health care crisis that I intend to solve by creating a universal health care system offering free rabies and distemper shots for all. It is my heartfelt belief that free distemper shots may serve to cure the general incivility (i.e. the "distemper") of our current culture, and to ensure that this legislation is successful, I will inflict the 'wounded puppy' look on members of the Congress if necessary.
Staying true to my core beliefs and the laws of the land, I pledge to serve all species during my administration while adhering to my universal theme: Playtime for Everyone. To that end, every family and pet in America will be issued one case of frisbees, chew toys and balls each year, and an Annual National Day of Play will be declared and established.
My fellow Americans (Canine and otherwise), this is a new day in our history, with the first Mixed Breed Canis Familiaris elected to the highest office in the land. I promise to walk sedately on my leash and lick only those faces that are close enough to be reached without jumping up with my muddy paws.
Thank you. I will not betray the great trust that has been given me in this election. And if anyone has a red super-hero cape that they don't need, would you please send it to me? Apparently I can't use taxpayer dollars to purchase one.
- President Hank, The Wonder Pup